There has been a miracle in Farmers Branch and we have not noticed. I hope it is not too late to give this our attention. This miracle makes the reasoning behind all the Code Enforcement Policies and Tax Increases and Anti-Immigration and Anti-Renters efforts clear. This is significant – of international proportions! We have to be prepared!

Right at the beginning, I am going to tell you that I don’t “Twitter”. I am not interested in reading anyone’s personal little diary, and am just not so into anyone that I would breathlessly follow every little mundane event in his or her life. But that’s just me. Some people have the time and curiosity to Twitter and Tweet and I won’t be so mean-spirited as to pass judgement on how they want to spend their spare time. That said, an alert reader who follows Tim O’Hare’s ramblings on Twitter forwarded this gem. And I am so glad he did.

Timmy Tweets Miracle Birth 

Do you see it?: A Duck GAVE BIRTH!

Let me repeat this:  A ……. Duck …… Gave ….. Birth. Every other duck known to man lays eggs, which hatch. This Duck Gave Birth.

Call the Audubon Society!

Inform Ducks Unlimited!

Notify the Media!

Wake the Pope!

Now, I know that this is a bona-fide miracle for two reasons:

1. Tim O’Hare said it, and our Mayor does not lie.

2. The City Code expressly forbids keeping prohibited animals or fowl, so if “Mayor Tim” is willing to violate The Code it must be for a very good reason. Here’s the code for your information:

Prohibited fowl  means chickens, turkeys, pheasants, quail, guineas, geese, ducks, pigeons, peacocks, emu, ostriches and other similar feathered animals regardless of age or sex which are kept on property within the city, except as may be provided in section 18-6 or section 18-7. 

Sec. 18-5.  Existing, legal fowl.

(a)   Properties where existing, legal fowl were kept prior to December 31, 2004 and which conform to section 18-7 may keep a maximum number of six fowl.
(b)   Existing, legal fowl shall be kept in a secure pen or enclosure that is at least 30 feet from any inhabited dwelling other than the residence of the person keeping the fowl. The pen or enclosure shall also be at least five feet from any adjoining property line.
(c)   Manure, droppings and waste material shall be removed from pens, enclosures, shelters, yards or areas, at least once each day and be disposed of in such a manner as to prevent the congregation of flies and the cause of a nuisance such as odor and unsightly matter.
(d)   It shall be unlawful for any person to keep more than six existing, legal fowl or a crowing rooster at any location within the city unless the enclosure or pen for the fowl is located at least 200 feet from any inhabited dwelling other than the residence of the person keeping the existing, legal fowl.

Sec. 18-6.  Keeping of prohibited animals unlawful.

Except as provided in section 18-7, it shall be unlawful for any person to keep any prohibited animal or fowl as defined in section 18-1 within the city limits except in a medical research project under institutional supervision, veterinarian clinic, circus, amusement parks or zoo.

Sec. 18-7.  Registration of existing legal fowl and animals; providing registration with exemption.

(a)   Existing, legal fowl and animals shall be exempted at their location to their owner when registered with the city.
(b)   Existing legal fowl or animals may not be relocated to another property within the City of Farmers Branch and must be removed from the property when there is a change of occupancy at the premises or the owner of the existing, legal fowl or animals no longer resides at the premises.
(c)   The number and type of existing, legal fowl or animals shall not exceed requirements set forth in section 18-5 and section 18-8.
(d)   Existing, legal animals, except rabbits, shall not be kept, stabled, boarded or housed within 100 feet of any adjoining property or street right-of way.
(e)   Owners of existing, legal fowl or animals shall have until December 31, 2004 to complete registration with the city. It shall be the responsibility of the owner of existing, legal fowl or animals to contact the city to register. Failure to do so shall forfeit all rights and claims of legal existence of such animals or fowl subsequent to December 31, 2004.
(f)   Once registered, the owners of existing, legal fowl or animals and the property where existing, legal fowl or animals are kept, shall be recorded by the city.
Now I know what you’re thinking: “The Code says that if you are a circus you can keep prohibited fowl – so Tim is not violating any rules.” Well, I would tend to let the Mayor get by on that technicality IF the prohibited fowl were kept at City Hall, but they are in his swimming pool.
You are also thinking “What the heck is a similar feathered animal?” To which I will reply “I guess it’s true that pigeons really are flying rats.”
But – stop thinking now, and listen. This Miracle Duck Birth happened over 3 months ago and no one took heed when Mayor Tim sent out the alert. If we’re not careful the Miracle Duck may get discouraged and decide to bless a more deserving area – maybe even Oak Cliff. Here’s what we have to do, and I hope it’s not too late:
As the Mayor’s home is the site of this miracle he will have to move after all,  because his home will most assuredly become a  shrine to the Miracle Duck Birth. The police need to be sure that the neighborhood can sustain the huge amounts of traffic that will surely develop as religious devotees pay homage at that sacred place. And I know the Pope will want to visit – are our trees and bushes trimmed back enough so as not to interfere with the Popemobile? I know that when he visits he will need to know that he has to park on the right side of the street. We wouldn’t want to give the Pope a ticket for illegal parking, now, would we? Do we have a protocol officer or anything like that? We need one right now.
We also need to have areas where the pilgrims can light candles, pray, leave gifts, etc. as they will surely want to do. And all of these people will need sanitary facilities and places to stay. Hey – maybe we can run all the renters out of the apartment buildings and lease those empty spaces. We all know that renters have low morals and their very presence leads to crime, urban decay, and blight. This would be a great excuse to get rid of them once and for all.
I hope the 4 corners area can be spiffed up in time. Maybe we’d better vote in yet another tax increase, and collect taxes now. I wonder if the City Council can just vote that everyone has to pay their taxes for, say, 5 years in advance. Combined with the money they’re raking in with Code Violation fines that should just about cover a new mall, a huge statue of some sort, and even 3 Chili’s restaurants. No – make that 4: one for each corner. Oh – and rose gardens – we need more of them, with fountains and unused benches and stuff. Maybe we can force every homeowner who lives on a corner lot to give up their homes. Then we can demolish them and put little “pocket parks” in those areas – just like in Sim City. And everyone knows that in Sim City when you put in a fountain or park the homes around it magically get larger and the citizens are happy. So probably the same will happen in Farmers Branch.